Saints Bitter As Jesus Wins Martyr Of Month AGAIN

“It’s enough to make a saint wonder whether getting burned at the stake is even worth it.”

Garden of Eden, February 27 – Heavenly sources reported today (Wednesday) that the thousands of Christians who suffered and died for the faith voiced resentment following the announcement that the Son of God had been named Martyr of the Month for February, bringing his winning streak to 23,830 months in a row.

Jesus of Nazareth, 33, accepted the award from Archangel Gabriel this morning at an assembly of supernal personnel with mandatory attendance. Gabriel congratulated the Prince of Peace on his achievement, and, for the 23,380^th time, exhorted all others present to follow Jesus’s example, in hope of also receiving such recognition. Some of those present, however, questioned the utility of the endeavor.

“I don’t see the point, frankly,” groused St. Joan of Arc. “I should keep killing myself, just to see Daddy’s favorite boy win again? No thank you. It’s enough to make a saint wonder whether getting burned at the stake is even worth it.”

“I have to admit my pride at having guided the young Jesus in my time on Earth,” revealed St. John the Baptist, “but this is getting a bit excessive. One doesn’t challenge the judgment of the Holy Father or His duly appointed representatives who handle this decision month after month. Still, one can’t help but wonder whether just a teensy bit of nepotism has crept into this process.”

Myriads of deceased martyrs through the ages who endured some of the most unbearable physical torment offered understated criticism. “I had my skin raked off, but hey, a couple of nails in the extremities must be worse,” remarked St. Bartholomew. “I mean, God says so, and who am I to state otherwise? God is just.”

“Ooh, crucifixion,” spat a man known only as Felicio, who was torn apart by lions as a public spectacle in Rome. “That must be just awful. I can’t imagine being subject to the fear, pain, humiliation, and degradation that entails. All to suffer for all of humanity’s sins. Almost as if what I and thousands of others went through for His sake was peanuts by comparison. No, I’m not bitter. I’m far too saintly for that.”

“The problem here isn’t so much the favoritism,” commented Heavenly Affairs correspondent Stig Matta of the Valhalla Herald. “Everyone knows there’s going to be favoritism. It’s part of the whole plan. But most people assumed that treatment reflected only an Earthly experience, only to find that for all eternity they continue to play second or third or eighty thousandth fiddle to this hipster socialist with the equivalent of a spiritual trust fund. It can be a bit much.”

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