The problem runs even deeper than suspected: even those who compiled the Qur’an concordance weren’t learned enough to find one.
Berkeley, October 21 – A group of grassroots activists working to solidify the Islamic connection to the Holy Land in the American popular consciousness found itself in direr financial straits than before its most recent fundraiser, a contest that called for participants to identify every time the core text of Islam features the name of the country they support, with financial backers ready to contribute a thousand dollars per appearance of the word.
Students To Uphold Palestine’s Islamic Definition (STUPID) found itself in deeper debt today after failing to secure even a dollar of support for its efforts but having to make outlays for the logistical and personnel expenses involved in promoting and conducting the funding drive – because not a single contestant proved proficient enough in Islamic scripture to find even a single instance of “Palestine” in the holy text.
STUPID leaders admitted to getting caught off guard by the incident, and confessed that they remain unsure how to proceed, both in terms of the organization’s financial viability and the implications for the broader pro-Palestine movement.
“Obviously it’s troubling for us, personally, and on an organizational level,” acknowledged STUPID Treasurer Embez Lehr. “We were looking to this fundraiser contest to cover our expenses for the next eight to nine months – promotions on social media, posters, space rentals, and of course payments to staff, who don’t really have time for other jobs while circle-jerking other Palestine activists online, writing screeds, generating AI photos of atrocities in Gaza, and harassing Jews or people who look like Jews. Now the viability of our programs in the near future faces severe doubt.”
“But it’s worse than that,” Lehr explained. “We always assumed that the pro-Palestine movement, especially the segment of it that explicitly invokes religious sensibilities and sources to bolster its arguments, could demonstrate some proficiency in marshaling those sources in what you might consider a basic level of argument: that Palestine is Islamic, as demonstrated in the primary Islamic sources.”
“Well, it turns out our constituency…” he gulped. “It turns out they don’t have the mastery of the material that we expected. That’s going to pose some challenges to advancing the movement beyond its current scale. If they can’t point to a single place in the Qur’an that mentions Palestine – not even a place where it calls Palestine the divinely-ordained home of the Palestinian people, just the word ‘Palestine’ – that’s going to cripple us going forward.”
His colleague, STUPID Secretary Ali Latdam noticed that the problem runs even deeper than they originally suspected. “I looked at a concordance of terms in the Qur’an,” he said. “It turns out even the people who compiled it weren’t learned enough to find any mentions of Palestine.”
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