Surgeons Rescue Tumor From Brain Of Malignant Palestine Activist

The excision necessitated the removal of some surrounding brain tissue from the host, but he wasn’t using it anyway.

New York, February 19 – Doctors at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital announced today they had performed a successful operation on a leader of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement, to remove a cancerous growth from his cranium, and now the growth is safe from those hazardous environs.

The four-hour craniotomy, completed under strict humanitarian protocols, was undertaken to liberate the tumor from an increasingly inhospitable host. “This was a rescue mission,” said Dr. Miriam Weiss, chief of neurosurgical oncology. “The host’s brain had become a hostile, low-oxygen environment saturated with cognitive dissonance, selective outrage, and chronic slogan poisoning. We could no longer stand by while this remarkable neoplasm suffered.”

Dr. Weiss added that the hospital had specifically opted for treatment protocols and techniques taken from Israeli breakthroughs in oncology. “This case required an aggressive approach,” she explained. “The urgency and severity of the situation required drastic measures, lest the specimen succumb to the unhealthy milieu of the pro-Palestine brain.”

The excision necessitated the removal of some surrounding brain tissue from the host, but the medical team remains confident that loss will have little to no impact on him. “He wasn’t using it anyway,” observed anesthesiologist Rebecca Wolf.

Indeed, within two days of the procedure, the activist had returned to his pre-operation chanting, shouting, accosting, blocking, accusing, and cosplaying, showing no impairment of higher brain function, if there any there in the first place. Discharge notes describe him leaving the hospital under his own power: megaphone in one hand, keffiyeh artfully draped, already livestreaming about “Zionist medical apartheid” and demanding the tumor’s immediate repatriation as a “political prisoner of conscience.”

The specimen itself, now designated “Neoplasm N-1” and residing in a dedicated bioculture chamber, presents a stark contrast. Freed from the toxic cranial milieu, the tumor has stabilized and begun modest but steady expansion. Pathologists note that its cellular architecture — previously compressed and inflamed — has relaxed into a more orderly pattern. “It’s almost serene now,” said Dr. Avi Cohen, the consulting neuropathologist. “No more erratic mitotic spikes triggered by exposure to ill-disguised Nazism. It’s in its element: nutrient broth, no anti-Arab racism of low expectations, perfect conditions.”

Meanwhile, the activist’s post-discharge activities have drawn renewed attention from movement organizers, who praise his “unbroken spirit” and rapid return to form. He has already led two bridge blockades, filed three new campus divestment petitions, and appeared on three livestreams insisting the surgery constituted “genocidal neurosurgery” aimed at silencing Palestinian solidarity. Hospital security has been doubled after credible threats to push the tumor into the sea.

Please support our work through Patreon.
Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL