Terrorists Neglect Training, Mesmerized By Livni-Gabbay Drama

Under normal circumstances this week’s political developments in Israel would receive a shrug from Islamists.

Bint Jbail, Lebanon, January 2 – Islamist militants opposed to Israel’s existence have forgotten what they were doing and have become absorbed in the unfolding political soap opera taking place in the Jewish State, sources in Lebanon and the Palestinian Territories observed today.

Hezbollah, Hamas, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, Fatah, and other terrorist groups remained quiet Tuesday and Wednesday as all eyes turned to Jerusalem, where dramatic breakaways, expulsions, and mutual recriminations among figures in Israel’s most influential political parties combined to make the country’s parliamentary election season more riveting and melodramatic than Spanish-language daytime television series.

“I’ve never seen anything like it, not even in telenovelas,” admitted Khaled Jibril, a field commander for Hamas in Gaza. “My men have basically stopped making incendiary balloons while this stuff is going on. There’s no point in trying to get them to do anything else at the moment.” He noted that his men found most absorbing the pettiness with which Labor Party chief Avi Gabbay engineered the surprise announcement.

“He didn’t make a big announcement there was going to be a big reveal, as one would normally do to attract media attention,” recalled Yusuf, one of the men. “So [Hatnua leader Tzippi] Livni didn’t expect anything big. And he didn’t use a teleprompter, which meant she didn’t even have a few seconds’ warning before he booted her. It was legitimate theater, I’m telling you.”

Under normal circumstances this week’s political developments in Israel would receive a shrug from Islamist terrorists, who view all Israelis, especially Jews, as villainous in equal measure. But, observed Hezbollah operative Ali Hassan, the Gabbay-Livni drama has even cadets engaged in constant discussion of the intricacies of Israel’s upcoming elections.

“Without the soap opera yesterday we’d be going about our business as usual, checking on the cross-border tunnels Israel hasn’t destroyed yet, maintaining our missile stockpile, and holding exercises to practice killing Jews,” he explained. “But it’s like a drug. Now the guys are debating the electoral prospects of Naftali Bennett and Ayelet Shaked in their new party, and what impact it will have on the right-wing bloc expected to emerge from April’s vote.” Hassan admitted feeling almost sorry for Livni, who under other circumstances would merit only animosity.

A Mossad representative, speaking on condition of anonymity, declined to comment on the possibility that the entire episode is merely a ruse to distract Israel’s enemies from their efforts to harm the Jewish State.

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