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Trump To Boost Program Training Arab/Muslim Societies To Wipe Own Tushies

The Development and Education Regimen for Regimes in the Iran-Egypt Region and Elsewhere (DERRIERE), a project of the USAID program, will see its budget increase by six thousand percent over the next two years.

DiaperWashington, March 14 – A new Trump administration initiative will increase funding for an agency that teaches Arab-Muslim societies in the Middle East and beyond to wipe their own butts instead of demanding the West provide everlasting aid and support.

The Development and Education Regimen for Regimes in the Iran-Egypt Region and Elsewhere (DERRIERE), a project of the USAID program, will see its budget increase by six thousand percent over the next two years, a spokesman for DERRIERE announced today, bringing the total annual figure to just over 85 million dollars.

Anita Asweepay, DERRIERE Coordinator, told reporters that she and her staff had argued for an augmentation of the program, and voiced satisfaction that the president approved the funding increase. “For years, we have attempted to persuade successive administrations of the importance of this initiative’s work in the Middle East and beyond,” stated Asweepay. “President Reagan launched this as a pilot in 1988, and we had hopes that the coalition surrounding the First Gulf War would lead to a more prominent role, but we existed on inertia, essentially, until 9/11. President George W. Bush increased our budget and staff in November 2001, but not by much. It’s only now, under President Trump, that we will receive the funding we need to embark on a serious effort to teach the societies of the Middle East, North Africa, and South Asia to wipe their own tushies.”

Analysts offered cautious praise for the development. “It’s late in coming,” observed Bidet Stephens of the New York Posterior. “But still, it’s a significant improvement over Obama’s policy of unlimited diapers and rash cream for the countries of that region. At least through DERRIERE there might be some hope of weaning these nations from such doting American care.” In fact, according to Asweepay, funding for the agency that provides the diapers, wipes, and zinc oxide treatments to Middle Eastern backsides  has been cut, despite objections from established State Department officials.

Others criticized the decision. “It’s racist,” insisted N. Fantilize, former Undersecretary of State for Middle East and North Africa under Secretary John Kerry. “You have to take the enlightened view, which is that the peoples and society of the region are constitutionally incapable of caring for themselves, and that we, as a civilization of advanced white people, bear the obligation to treat these inferior races as deserving of our condescension, as expressed in limitless aid with no expectation that they will take steps to improve their societies or systems of governance.”

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