Allah So Damn Akbar He Can’t Defend His Third-Holiest Site From Lowly Jews

Jews have maintained a security presence in and around the compound for fifty years, a disgrace to Islam so intense that it calls into question the notion that Allah is, in fact, as akbar as His worshipers proclaim.

Jerusalem, July 19 – The God of Muslims is so powerful and great that He is unable to prevent the lowly descendants of apes and pigs from defiling His third-most-sacred location on Earth, supernal sources indicate.

Observers in both the heavenly and earthly realms noticed this week that despite His omnipotence, and the constant praising of His name in acknowledgement of divine assistance in human affairs, the Creator and Ruler of the universe has been unable to prevent a group of Jews from controlling access to the Haram Al-Sharif, where the Al Aqsa Mosque resides. Jews have maintained a security presence in and around the compound for fifty years, a disgrace to Islam so intense that it calls into question the notion that Allah is, in fact, as akbar as His worshipers proclaim at frequent intervals.

“It’s a specific issue for Islam and not other monotheistic religions,” explained one angel. “Islam’s temporal success and rapid expansion form an important part of its doctrine and assumptions – clearly, they had Allah with them as they swept out of Arabia, across North Africa, into Spain, and as far east as what is now China, Thailand, and Indonesia, over a short span. The later decay of Islam’s hold on its conquests is one thing, but then to have Al Aqsa become subject to the control of none other than the cursed Jews, well, where is God’s greatness now, you understand?”

The question becomes even more pointed, added a Waqf official speaking on condition of anonymity, when consideration is given to the quotidian ways in which Jewish control of the site is manifest. “Technically, Israel left daily management of the Haram’s affairs to the Jordanian Waqf, while retaining control only over security matters, when it took the eastern part of the city in 1967,” he noted. “But under the rubric of ‘security matters’ there is quite a bit the Jews can use to assert their ultimate authority, including shutting down the place and conducting inspections of its various facilities. And then, to impose metal detectors at the entrance for Muslims, and not only for non-Muslims as before, well, how can I proclaim ‘Allahu akbar’ while such shameful things are happening? He does nothing! And the Jews continue to defile Al Aqsa with their Talmudic rituals, and why that is such a problem, or changes anything in the observable physical world, I will have to figure out and get back to you.”

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