“Get up to forty percent off on items or services that our records indicate you have purchased exactly zero times in the five years you have banked with us!”
Jerusalem, April 26 – The financial institution through which you conduct most of your day-to-day financial affairs called today to inform you they are happy to inform you that they remain ready to provide you with several options through which to become indebted to them, in addition to the numerous such paths to that destination they have already established for you.
A representative of your bank’s main office in Tel Aviv called you this evening at dinnertime to offer you a new credit card with a higher default credit limit than the one they sent you two years ago, meaning you have done too good a job of meeting your monthly expenses under present limits and they must increase the amount they allow you to borrow on a monthly basis if they are to have any hope of snaring you in a spiral of debt, exploitation, and utter financial ruin.
“Good evening,” began the representative, mangling the pronunciation of your name. “I’m calling to offer you the exciting opportunity to join the exclusive group of customers who hold our new card, the Executive Ultra Metal Ribbed For Her Pleasure card. It carries a credit limit almost twice your current limit, and there is no annual fee for the first year.”
The representative made a point of mentioning that the card offers special discounts at retailers and restaurants that you never visit, or that do not have any branches in your area. “Get up to forty percent off on items or services that our records indicate you have purchased exactly zero times in the five years you have banked with us,” she touted.
“Also you get a free gift for signing up,” she added. “It’s a hand-operated, vegetable slicer-julienne machine that only sort of works if you apply excessive force, which will result either in the cruddy plastic housing cracking, or in your deciding to do the last bit with your hand because the mechanism doesn’t work well once the vegetables are thinner than a centimeter, meaning you’ll end up cutting your finger in multiple places because you still need to apply force and you’ll never be able to stop before your hand strikes the blades. Act now!”
In addition, the representative was prepared to inform you, in the event that you specifically asked, that the absence of an annual fee during the first year does not apply to other charges they decide to levy, such as a one-time fee for issuing the card and a separate amount labeled “insurance.”
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