For Valentine’s Day, Russia Dropping Heart-Shaped Bombs On Aleppo

Cupid’s arrow will now take the form of 20-mm cannon shells.

Beirut, February 13 – To celebrate what has become a lovers’ festival, the Russian Air Force plans to mark St. Valentine’s Day on Sunday with special heart-shaped munitions deployed against the rebels fighting Basher Assad’s regime in the strategic city of Aleppo.

Sukhoi fighter-bomber squadron chief Colonel Ivan Bloderhedzov issued orders for Sunday’s sorties to use bombs and other ammunition whose shape reflects the great love Assad has for Aleppo, an ancient city with a rich cultural history and diverse population. Russian aircraft, he explained, would be delivering the important packages in honor of Valentine’s Day because at the moment Aleppo and Damascus are not on speaking terms, and Russia hopes to play a part in removing the barriers that have sprung up between the two in nearly five years of strife in the country.

“We have unique experience and expertise in delivering these kinds of messages of love and affection,” boasted Bloderhedzov. “And it will not be restricted to heart-shaped bombs. Cluster munitions have been reconceived as bouquet munitions, and napalm will be called ‘fanning the flames of desire.’ And Cupid’s arrow will now take the form of 20-mm cannon shells, which pierce hearts, lungs, limbs, and many other vital organs.”

Most, if not all, of the rebels fighting in and around Aleppo are unlikely to observe Valentine’s Day, a Christian holiday established to honor an ancient saint who risked his life to bring together Christian men and women at a time when the faith was still banned by the Roman Empire. Even for the few Christians among the rebels, the timing of the festival will be off, since the eastern Churches still follow not the Gregorian, but the Julian Calendar, which lags behind the Gregorian by twelve days. Nevertheless, even non-Western societies have taken to celebrating Valentine’s day, even to the point that certain Islamic countries have felt compelled to ban it out of concern for the “moral depravity” that accompanies its celebration in the West. Thus, Russia’s observation of the holiday fits into a wider global trend, says Middle East scholar Kammen de Nomnater.

“The delivery of these romantic bombs to Aleppo is as much a message to the West as it is to the insurgents,” he explained. “Putin is essentially asserting his position as matchmaker in Syria to the exclusion of the United States and Western Europe, and the latter two are effectively ceding him that role.” He added that while overall there appears to be a developing romantic falling-out between the US and its former bedfellows in the rest of the region, John Kerry and Iran’s Javad Zarif appear to be spending quite a bit of time on the phone with each other lately.