Hamas Statisticians Ready To Claim Arab Parties Won 300% Of Vote In Next Israeli Election

Arab parties currently hold a total of ten Knesset seats.

Deir al-Balah, September 28 – The number-crunchers at the Gaza Ministry of Health have turned their attention to a fateful data set that could determine the future of this Mediterranean territory and of the region at large: they now predict, using the same robust mathematical precision that produces the casualty count in the Gaza Strip, that non-Zionist and pro-Palestine factions will will carry 360 of the 120 seats in the Knesset following the next contest – which will take place sometime over the next year-plus, depending on the stability of the current governing coalition.

Hamas statisticians released their polling data for Israeli elections, which sees Raam, Hadash-Taal, and Balad garnering three hundred percent of the vote, using the same actuarial and quantitative methods to produce figures such as 63,000 dead in Gaza since October 2023, most of them children.

The Arab parties currently hold a total of ten Knesset seats, five for Raam and five for Hadash-Taal; Balad, though active, failed to meet the electoral threshold in 2022, the most recent elections. Arabs constitute about one-fifth of Israel’s population, and their political involvement falls short of their share of the electorate.

A spokesman for the Islamic Resistance underscored that the 360-seat figure does not represent a mere prediction, but a fait accompli. “Since when do our numbers, and more importantly, the credence the world gives our numbers, have to correspond with evidence?” challenged Akil al-Barāz, an interim spokesman following the killing of the man known as Abu Obeida. “We are simply making it known now that this is the outcome, and, as usual, we expect the Western media to report it at face value. If and when the enemy announces some other result, which it will, because Jews are deceivers, we also expect those Western media outlets to dismiss such announcements with the familiar qualifier ‘Israel says’ or ‘Israel claims.'”

In the meantime, al-Barāz continued to fill in for his predecessor. “Can I interest you journalists in some badly-acted, amateurish videos of Israeli atrocities?” he offered. “Perhaps some photos of starving children in Syria or Yemen, relabeled as ‘Gaza’? Overweight ‘journalists’ discussing how two years of starvation have emaciated them? We have it all. Even videos of children with congenital conditions that make them skeletal, whom we show with their fat parents, and say that the Jews starved them. Any takers?”

CNN, The Guardian, the BBC, Reuters, the Associated Press, the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Democratic National Committee all took Mr. al-Barāz up on his offer.

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