Inventor Of Misaligned Shopping Cart Wheels Rolls Out Newest Model

Ramat Gan, July 31 – The mastermind behind many of the aggravations that, cumulatively, distract you from the real evil that the International Zionist Conspiracy aims to perpetrate, rendering you ignorant and powerless until it’s too late to stop them, announced significant improvements today to one of his flagship projects: supermarket trolley wheels that refuse to move in concert with the others on the same vehicle.

David Atzbani, 75, patented a shopping cart design decades ago that guarantees over eighty percent of the wheels on the carts will refuse to move in sync with the others, causing frustration, anger, injury, collisions, and altercations in supermarket aisles and parking lots – a key element of the distraction strategy at the heart of the Elders of Zion global machinations – but has not slowed down: even now, he continues to roll out new designs to upgrade the faulty wheels, including the latest model, which only seizes up when the cart already has a significant amount of groceries in it.

The enhancement, explained Atzbani, prevents shoppers from detecting the “defect” at earlier stages of shopping when it might still be less inconvenient to switch carts – a more daunting proposition when that would necessitate moving all the selected items from one cart to another.

“That’s on top of so many supermarkets now using a coin-deposit system to prevent cart theft,” he noted. “Switching carts mid-shop means not only having to scrounge for the right coins, it means going back to the carts outside and leaving a whole mess of groceries inside, because you can’t leave with groceries you haven’t paid for. No one wants to do that.”

Elders credit Atzbani’s invention and its upgrades over the years for nearly a tenth of the distraction they have deployed since at least 1965. That figure stands at nearly twice that of the runner-up distraction developer, responsible for traffic jams and the loudness of TV commercials; the main reason those latter two aggravations have not outpaced the shopping cart wheel phenomenon is that traffic in some form has already existed and its frustration effect has dulled, while TV commercial loudness only adds a small measure of annoyance compared to that of the existence of the interruption in the first place. A different Zionist aggravation-developer invented the commercial break.

In a conversation with a reporter, Atzbani dispelled the widely-held notion that Jews have any interest in controlling Hollywood. “That old canard?” he scoffed. “No, we created that conspiracy theory ourselves to out the idiots.”

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