Iran Defends Imperialism As Bulwark Against Imperialism

“The Zionists and their allies will fail in their campaign to subjugate and rule the region because we will do so first.”

Tehran, November 6 – Officials in the Islamic Republic of Iran explain the country’s virtual takeover of Iraq and Lebanon, as well as its use of puppet militias and proxy forces in Syria and Yemen, among others, as a defense against Western efforts to take over Iraq, Lebanon, Syria, Yemen, and other Middle East states, regime sources reported today.

Representatives of various government ministries and the country’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told journalists Wednesday that the territorial integrity and political independence of countries in the region are sacrosanct, and require Iran’s protection from what they characterized as a US-led effort to exert effective control over them, protection that Iran provides in the form of taking them over and exerting effective control.

“Satanic Western imperialism will not succeed,” warned Deputy Minister of Defense Mohtin Yorai. “To counter the threat of the evil machinations of the Great Satan and its minions we have already assumed de facto control of the governments of Iraq and Lebanon, and are working to establish similar arrangements elsewhere. In the same vein we offer material and financial support to Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and other groups waging a similar fight. The Zionists and their allies will fail in their campaign to subjugate and rule the region because we will do so first.”

Ministry of Foreign Affairs spokesman Wiwaz Hirfirzt offered further details. “Several countries in our area lack the capacity to defend against, or to resist, outside efforts to control them,” he explained. “Numerous factors contribute to this, among them a weak central government, domestic instability, and a history of non-democratic government. Iran therefore protects these vulnerable states from Western imperialism by insinuating or forcing our proxies upon them, displacing or sidelining indigenous political leadership, threatening or deploying military suppression of any resistance to those efforts, and basically running the show from here.”

Numerous instances of the suppression to which Mr. Hirfirzt referred have occurred in recent weeks all over Iraq and Lebanon, where much of the population resents the control Iran exerts over their affairs. “We understand the people of Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, and elsewhere appreciate our courageous defense of their independence from the insidious tentacles of the West,” he stated. “Only by working together under total Iranian hegemony can the people of the region hope to ward off the imperialist designs of the US, Israel, and other bad actors. Now we just need to coerce our neighbors to accept that.”

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