Iran Threatens To Use Cheat Codes In Simulation Of Conflict With US Navy

“Our arsenal of such secret keystroke sequences includes unlimited firepower, impenetrable armor, and, while this might not have clear application at sea, the ability to walk through walls.”

Dahran, Saudi Arabia, August 12 – Tensions between the Islamic Republic and the US today following warnings that in an upcoming a video-game-like exercise the regime in Tehran will conduct next week, it may deploy secret keystrokes or sequences of controller commands to disable vital functions of the virtual enemy and grant itself such powers as invincibility, unlimited ammunition, and access to advanced weaponry.

A spokesman for Tehran told reporters that next week’s Fist of Allah simulation by Iran’s navy will test its forces’ ability to neutralize American sea power and naval air power in the Persian Gulf, and in doing so they may invoke special codes to make themselves unbeatable. The move comes as part of an ongoing policy by Tehran to assert itself in the contested body of water that serves as a vital shipping conduit for oil from the states that border it.

“If the Great Satan does not stand down from its confrontational posture we will not hesitate to implement special cheat codes in our next simulation,” threatened Aididi Qyudi of the Ministry of Defense. “Our arsenal of such secret keystroke sequences includes unlimited firepower, impenetrable armor, and, while this might not have clear application at sea, the ability to walk through walls. The simulated enemy will meet ignominious defeat at the hand of our glorious forces.”

Qyudi warned the US and its allies not to put their confidence in the fact that Iran’s navy possesses no real warships and can hope only to harass far superior US vessels and aircraft in the Gulf and the Arabian Sea. “Our cheat codes will negate any advantage the enemy thinks he enjoys,” he predicted. Iran has repeatedly attempted to attack, capture, and damage foreign vessels, and has made dubious claims of chasing away foreign naval vessels with its various small craft.

Analysts conceded that Iran possesses a far greater arsenal of boasting than do any of the navies patrolling the Persian Gulf. “The US, as the primary power in the Gulf, will have to address the disparity in bluster,” remarked Kona Mikod of Jane’s. “Anti-drone lasers and overwhelming firepower are one thing, but how are they going to counter the sheer volume of Iranian regime bragging that’s saturating the airwaves and internet? You can’t just hit up, up, down, down, right, let, right, left, B, A, and start on your controller to make that go away. I have to say I don’t know how the US will come out on top in this simulation.”

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