Islam Is A Jewish Plot To Destabilize The Middle East

by Abdallah Qardash, Khalif, Islamic State

Somewhere in Northeast Syria or Northwest Iraq, October 30 – Our movement’s recent setbacks, including the assassination of Khalif al-Baghdadi and his chief spokesman, point to a disturbing fact: our fellow Muslims have provided much of the key intelligence to the enemy that led to these setbacks, revealing once again just how divided the Umma has always been. Who benefits from such Islamic disunity? That’s right: the Jews engineered the rise of Islam 1400 years ago with the knowledge that it would undermine regional stability for centuries to come and thus permit them to exploit the warring factions to achieve their imperialist aims.

Any loyal Muslim with a head on his shoulders (if women had the brain power I could invoke them as well, but I am nothing if not traditional) must therefore agree that our strategy as followers of Muhammad must include every effort to thwart this Jewish scheme. And a clever scheme it is: they have served as scapegoats for our society’s ills this whole time, enduring massacres, forced conversions, religious persecution, rape, pillage, plunder, expulsion, and untold indignities, all with the purpose of keeping us from getting at the true sources of our problems and addressing those problems in an effective, honest fashion.

Now that we know our Balkanized polity stems from the Jewish plot that governs our religious and ideological Weltanschauung, good sense dictates – I do like that verb – that we abandon the manipulative teachings known as the Quran and Hadith, and instead embrace sources more in keeping with the superiority we know is our birthright as Muslims. We can call it the “Qurab” and “Hadish.” Instead of competing traditions called Sunna and Shia, we can have competing traditions called, say, Sunneh and Shua. It will be totally different from the sinister system that now controls us. I volunteer to lead the charge, assume the mantle of pioneering warrior to free ourselves from the shackles of the Jewish cabal that has kept us backward and at war with one another for fourteen centuries! I will act as Khalif, ruling on which elements of our Middle Eastern culture may remain and which are the obvious product of he plot to keep us ignorant, fighting, and primitive!

Who is with me? Anyone who is not with me is against me, and will suffer the righteous wrath of the Prophet’s only true representative on Earth, as demonstrated by military prowess!

You know the Prophet I mean. Er, Muhammaf. Yeah, that guy. Watch out for the other one, the Jewish one.

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