“Brilliant, if evil. Stereotypical, I would say.”
Paradise, March 16 – Heavenly sources are reporting that Israeli agents have infiltrated the Supernal Realm and are spreading venereal diseases among the virgins allotted to Islamic martyrs.
Archangel Jibril told journalists that unusual numbers of virgins have been visiting heavenly clinics to receive treatment for sexually transmitted diseases, a phenomenon that the angel said should not exist among the non-sexually-active, and that therefore must be attributed to a nefarious infection scheme to deny shahids their rightful booty in the afterlife.
“The obvious suspects are the Jews, the eternal enemy of all that is just in Existence,” explained Jibril. “No one else has demonstrated the capacity, skill, or motive to manipulate the very laws of time and space to falsify history to make it seem as if they, not the Islamic Umma, are the chosen people of Allah. Stealing into Heaven to infect virgins with STDs is child’s play for them.”
Jibril observed that the full extent of the infection plot remained unknown for now. “It seems the Jews have hacked the databases just enough to stymie our efforts at getting a comprehensive picture of the phenomenon, but not enough to conceal it entirely – evidently, I would say, because they want it known that such troubles are afoot, that they may profit by the ensuing confusion and unrest. Brilliant, if evil. Stereotypical, I would say.”
Among the complications facing the supernal administration is that treating all the virgins – and the martyrs to whom they have already passed their infections – requires medical staff that Heaven lacks. “All the good doctors are Jewish, so we don’t have any,” explained Israfil, who manages Paradise’s medical system. “We’re struggling to get a handle on the scale of the epidemic, but since it appears to be spread by unconventional means, we are at a loss in terms of containment and prevention right now.” As far as his staff can determine, based on the limited data available, each virgin has contracted gonorrhea, lupus, AIDS, herpes, hepatitis, and other still-unidentified disorders by being surreptitiously injected with the pathogens.
“Mostly it means eternal itching and burning,” Israfil disclosed. “We’re considering shutting down the virgins-for-shahids program entirely if this persists. It’s having the opposite effect of what was intended.”
Appeals to the omnipotent Creator have yet to yield results, added Jibril, as the interface with the divine Throne Room has also been hacked by the tech-savvy Jews to prevent Muslim petitions from penetrating the Inner Sanctum.
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