Netanyahu Unveils “I’m Being Stabbed” App

By January a companion app called I’m Being Firebombed will launch, to serve users under attack with Molotov cocktails.

Jerusalem, October 26 – At a meeting of the Foreign Relations and Defense Committee today, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu told attendees of the development of a new smartphone application that will allow users to announce to the world they are being stabbed.

As part of a series of steps to help combat the current wave of stabbings and other attacks, the prime minister unveiled the new app, which his office sponsored. I’m Being Stabbed will be available for download within one week, promised Netanyahu, and its use will be monitored by the authorities to ensure that it is not abused.

The app launch is one of several other measures aimed at helping Israelis combat the wave of attacks, including the possible revocation of Israeli citizenship from East Jerusalem residents involved in such attacks. I’m Being Stabbed is configured to work with the user’s Facebook, WhatsApp, Twitter, and Instagram accounts, and activates the phone’s camera to capture the action and post the content automatically. Netanyahu said next month extensions will be made available for Tinder and JDate, to help those users looking to spice up their profiles with the street cred of having been attacked by an Arab with a sharp implement. By January, he said, a companion app called I’m Being Firebombed will launch, to serve users under attack with Molotov cocktails.

Critics of the prime minister called I’m Beng Stabbed too little, too late, and said it was Netanyahu’s own policies that made the app necessary. “If Bibi were serious about Israel’s security, not only would he be pursuing final-status negotiations with the Palestinians with greater alacrity, but he would include stoning attacks in this app’s capabilities,” charged Opposition leader Isaac Herzog. “No government under my aegis would be so negligent as to leave out such an important element of the Israeli experience.”

Likud lawmakers defended the app, saying Herzog was in no position to criticize it. “Buji would die to have something as dramatic as getting attacked happen to him,” said Minister for Jerusalem Affairs Gilad Erdan. “Just look at the way the Left pretends they’re under constant attack and incitement, as if that somehow makes them more interesting to the electorate.” He recalled an incident following the election campaign earlier this year when Herzog claimed his wife’s car was stoned, when in fact the damage was from debris kicked up by a passing vehicle.

MK Ahmad Tibi of the Joint Arab List called the app discriminatory, and that the government should have also allocated funds to develop an “I’m Stabbing You” app.