“Iran effectively controls Iraq, Syria, Yemen, and Lebanon, and they’ve got serious sway over in the Gaza Strip, so it couldn’t be much of a stretch.”
Tehran, January 3 – Swelling protests against the regime of the Ayatollahs continued today, several days after the government ordered social media apps such as Instagram disabled in a move to help prevent coordination of protests and suppress coverage of the unrest, but an unintended consequence of the shutdown has become manifest in the form of people born before 1980 who lament that the disabling of the messaging app has been restricted only to the Islamic Republic.
Adults outside the “millennial” demographic throughout the region and beyond could be heard voicing regret that Instagram and other popular apps among millennials continue to function, and, despite rampant violations of Iranian civil rights and freedoms, expressed some sympathy for the regime in curtailing the insufferable narcissism Instagram has come to represent.
“I stand with the people of Iran,” declared Gettoff Meilon, 40, of Azerbaijan. “I feel their pain and wish them success. I also wish the mullahs could take down Instagram around here, not just inside Iran. Would save us a heap of trouble with the youngsters. Bunch of entitled, self-absorbed jerks. Would serve them right.”
“Would it really be too much to ask to have the Instagram ban extend a few hundred miles west?” wondered Wibr Snabr, 39, of Ramallah. “I mean, Iran effectively controls Iraq, Syria, Yemen, and Lebanon, and they’ve got serious sway over in the Gaza Strip, so it couldn’t be much of a stretch. While they’re at it, they can take down Facebook, Snapchat, and whatever else the millennials are using. Teach ’em to sit and read a book, maybe talk face to face for once. Bloody kids.”
Some non-millennials nevertheless harbor reservations about such an extension of the ban. “I don’t know if drastic measures are the answer here,” warned a man who declined to give his name. “I kind of enjoy the millennial girls who call themselves “Instagram models” and post soft-core stuff. Maybe we can just have Iran block the others? You know, for the sake of art and aesthetics more than anything else.”
“Hey, I can even volunteer my services to be one of the ones who select the users who can stay,” he added. “I, uh, I’ve come across a whole bunch I’m sure I can, uh find again somehow. You know, so the system works properly. I’ve a got a good eye for that sort of thing. What are the chances the mullahs will take me up on this?”
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