Oil Glut Forces Iran To Store Excess In Your Mom

Estimates suggest she can absorb an additional 18–22 million barrels before reaching critical saturation.

Kharg Island, April 29 – The continuing American blockade of the Islamic Republic’s exports has already resulted in the saturation of containment facilities on this staging island in the Persian Gulf, plus the emergency recommissioning of a defunct supertanker to hold further overflow – and now, with no further options, the regime will now resort to the only remaining large receptable available as a desperate measure to keep the commodity flowing and avert permanent damage to the wells: your mom.

According to sources inside the Iranian Oil Ministry, your mom’s legendary capacity has been under quiet study for months by a crack team of petroleum engineers. “We ran the numbers,” said Deputy Minister Hossein Kharrazi in a hastily convened press briefing. “Even the largest VLCC supertankers max out at around two million barrels. Your mom? She laughs at two million. She’s been handling that kind of volume since the Clinton administration.”

Engineers plan to convert your mom into a floating storage terminal using a combination of reinforced industrial liners, high-capacity inflow valves, and what one advisor delicately called “structural buttressing.” Initial estimates suggest she can absorb an additional 18–22 million barrels before reaching critical saturation, buying Tehran at least six to eight weeks of breathing room while they negotiate with the Chinese or wait for the Trump administration to blink.

A senior Revolutionary Guard commander, speaking on condition of anonymity because even he was embarrassed, confirmed the plan has received the personal blessing of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtab Khamenei. “In the face of imperialist pressure, the Islamic Republic will use every asset at its disposal,” he said. “Your mom is a strategic national partner.”

Workers who have already begun laying temporary pipeline toward your mom’s coordinates expressed relief that the wells won’t have to be shut in, which would permanently impair their productive output. “We were this close to flaring off millions of barrels,” said one roughneck, holding his fingers an inch apart. “Now we just hook up the hoses and let gravity do the rest. She’s very… accommodating.”

Environmental groups have voiced misgivings, citing risks of massive crude spills and the distinct possibility that your mom will develop her own migratory oil slick. Greenpeace issued a statement demanding “immediate withdrawal of all drilling equipment from this sensitive ecosystem,” with further remarks indicating they have understandably confused your mom for a massive whale.

Once your mom reaches capacity, the regime may have no choice but to turn to even more desperate measures, but, given your mom’s capaciousness, that date appears a long way off.

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