SJWs First Among Virgins To Be Given To Jihadi Martyrs In Paradise

There appears to be a copious supply of SJWs who are still virgins.

Jannah, April 26 – A reconfiguration of the protocols by which those who have never engaged in sexual intercourse are allotted to incoming Islamic shahids for the latter’s gratification now prioritizes the selection of those who devote their earthly energies to finding reasons to take offense on behalf of groups they consider marginalized or victims of discrimination, a Heavenly spokesangel announced today.

Starting this Ramadan – which begins on the 15th of May in 2018 – the cohort from which virgins for Islamic martyrs will be taken first will be Social Justice Warriors,  a class of humanity whose keen sense of empathy and capacity to discern justified grievance in every population but white, male, or Jewish render them superior beings and fit consorts for the noble Islamic warriors killed fighting infidels. Additionally, noted the spokesangel, there appears to be a copious supply of SJWs who are still virgins.

Archangel Gabriel announced the new policy this afternoon, stating that it will replace the decades-old method that since the Second World War has allocated virgins by alphabetical order. An outcry from SJWs over the literacy-centric, discriminatory nature of that system led to the formation of a committee to explore alternatives.

“The supernal tribunal accepted the SJW argument that no matter what alphabet was used to render the names of incoming virgins, someone would end up being victimized,” he recalled. “To combat that problem, the Almighty convened a committee to reach consensus on a more equitable system. I wish we could say the process was smooth, but as it turns out the SJWs managed to find objections to every alternative that was raised, based on some group or other’s victim status. Finally, Allah ordered the SJWs themselves to volunteer, since their virtue-signaling makes them a better choice for any function.”

Some observers discerned impatience behind the divine ruling. “Arbitrary unfairness is part and parcel of the divine plan,” noted the departed spirit of Job. “Randomness, in a sense, allows for surprise to occur, lest everything become nothing more than a mechanistic system. The fact that through no fault of their own, incoming virgins are sorted according to an alphabet they had no role in choosing kind of makes that point. It was true on Earth and it’s true up here.”

In preparation for their new roles, eligible SJWs have already begun the mandatory preliminary work, which involves laying paving stones for a road that appears to lead very far down.

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