Taliban Groom Frustrated Toys “R” Us Gone: Wanted Bride’s Registry There

He will face difficulty finding safety seats for her and his other wives when traveling in his captured Humvee.

Kabul, September 23 – A member of the militant Islamist group that now governs Afghanistan voiced his disappointment today that his fiancée will be unable to create an age-appropriate wish-list for wedding invitees to consult at her preferred retailer, because that chain of toy stores went out of business.

Omar Massoud, 29, claimed a bride from among various daughters of a family that had supported the previous regime. His position within a Taliban unit that overran Kabul as the US and allies withdrew their military presence allowed him first choice of the captives, and he selected Fala, who, until Massoud’s group shut it down, had attended third grade at a local school. The fighter expressed excitement at his upcoming nuptials, then frustration that his bride-to-be will be denied a gift registry at Toys “R” Us now that the latter went bankrupt and closed all of its branches.

“It’s a big problem, because there aren’t any real alternatives out there,” he lamented. “I was hoping we could get her some hijab-wearing Barbies, maybe a Barbie Dream Humvee that the Americans abandoned, or something. Her friends and family could know exactly what toys to get her, like maybe an E-Z Bake oven, or a Snoopy snowcone machine. Now we won’t be able to celebrate as we should.”

Massoud also netted an armored personnel carrier that once belonged to the Afghan military courtesy of the US military. “I know Toys ‘R’ Us sold car seats for child safety, and I’m thinking she might need at least a booster seat when I take the family – I have three other wives, a couple of them the same age as Fala – on trips,” he thought aloud. “But now we’re kind of stuck. All you can get around here now are Chinese off-brands. With all due respect to our allies in Beijing, their knockoffs aren’t as good as Britax or Evenflow.”

The father of three, who spent several evenings this week raping at least six wives, sisters, and daughters of men suspected of having worked for the Americans, plus torturing several to death in gruesome fashion, allowed that had he acted sooner, he might have gotten his hands on a Blackhawk helicopter. “The truth is the leadership will be taking control of those soon anyway,” he acknowledged. “I doubt I would have had the chance to hang more than half a dozen homosexuals from the thing before the higher echelons appropriated it to give to the Iranians.”

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