The Ministry of Environmental Protection described the wafer filling as “almost, but not completely, unlike lemon.”
Dimona, July 2 – Technicians at the Shimon Peres Negev Nuclear Research Center accidentally replaced this past Tuesday several kilograms of processed nuclear fuel with a mysterious iridescent substance scraped from the inside of lemon-flavored wafers, a spokesman for the facility disclosed today, resulting in a near-doubling of the reactor’s energy output.
According to internal logs reviewed by PreOccupied Territory, the mix-up occurred during a routine materials transfer when a distracted maintenance worker loaded the snack residue into the reactor core. Sources say the filling, normally used in mass-produced cookies and wafers manufactured by the Mann company, had sat idle in a break room for months, with no apparent spoilage, bacterial, or fungal growth.
“It looked close enough,” explained shift supervisor Avi Cohen, who has since been promoted to Shift Manager. “Same color, same consistency if you don’t look too hard. We figured maybe it was a new cost-saving formula.”
Engineers noticed the anomaly almost immediately when the reactor not only maintained criticality but began producing noticeably higher thermal output. Within hours, power generation had increased by 97%, with technicians reporting a “pleasant citrus aroma” throughout the containment building and zero increase in radiation levels.
“It’s weird,” said senior physicist Dr. Miriam Lev, “the neutron flux is behaving like it’s on a sugar high. We’re getting cleaner, more efficient fission. Also, the control room guys won’t stop humming.”
The Israel Atomic Energy Commission confirmed the incident but declined to provide further technical details, citing security concerns. A brief statement read: “Dimona continues to operate within all parameters. We are investigating how wafer creme entered a secure nuclear installation and whether it pairs well with various kinds of tea. So far the only incompatibility involves the Wissotzky Magic Garden series chamomile-fennel infusion.”
Ecology activists and officials from the Ministry of Environmental Protection described the wafer filling as “almost, but not completely, unlike lemon.” A representative of Minister Idit Silman noted an open inquiry with the Ministry of Health as to the permissibility of the lemon-ish filling in food manufacturing, and reports that the regulations contained a carve-out for whatever ingredients that filling contains, courtesy of major Mann shareholders who happen to have made significant contributions to the Likud Party.
A union official speaking on behalf of the plant workers downplayed health concerns. “We’ve been eating the stuff for decades,” he boasted. “It’s got to be good for you, all those preservatives. I’m almost a hundred and forty years old.”
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