We Were Going To Undermine The Muslim World, But You’re Managing That By Yourselves

By The Mossad

As part of our ongoing mission to keep Israel secure by clandestine means, we have long pursued strategies that might involve wreaking instability in enemy regimes, depending on the situation. But in recent decades our expertise in that realm has grown rusty, since we seldom need to lift a finger to undermine you Muslim countries in our region. You seem to do it so well on your own.

Once upon a time when the Jewish State’s existence was less secure, and its enemies more confident, we had to develop missions and approaches that called for much more drastic measures against neighbors who threatened to drive us into the Mediterranean. Sometimes that meant arming and training opposition; sometimes that meant selling weapons to enemy states of the enemy; sometimes it meant selling to two warring enemies to keep them distracted with each other instead of us. But all that hasn’t been necessary since the 1990’s. We haven’t had to undermine a Muslim regime since we installed Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan in 1999.

We would like to take credit for fostering the long-term developments in the Muslims world that led to all the instability, but let’s be honest: we’re good, but we’re not THAT good. We could never have engineered all the systemic failure, dysfunction, mistrust, ruthlessness, cynicism, fatalism, and despair out of nothing. You gave us more than enough to work with, and we’ve barely had to lift a finger. You did this all by yourselves. Congratulations!

Never underestimate an opponent. Our hostile (and less hostile) neighbors have shown an immense capacity for certain accomplishments, and we must respect them for those achievements: dismal economic performance, rampant poverty and disease, civil unrest, a penchant for genocide, political repression, corruption, and devotion to an honor-shame culture that blinds them to opportunities for prosperity and maturity. We had nothing to do with those. You fellas did all that on your own. Take some credit and stop being so humble about it.

Of course you won’t. Nothing we can do will change your fundamental, existential need to blame someone else for your failings. Accepting that you have to fix your flaws would imply that you have flaws, and that would be a source of deep shame – we couldn’t have that! Better to insist the fault lies elsewhere, perhaps with the Jews, but definitely not with you. You just keep telling yourself that, and we’ll just keep sitting here bored in our Tel Aviv headquarters, wondering whether we’ll ever need to do anything about you that you’re not already doing quite well without our help.

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