In Quirk, None Of Amnesty Witnesses To Violence Are Jewish

Amnesty’s eyewitnesses also, by coincidence, uniformly question the other evidence regarding the episodes, notably the use of knives or other sharp implements to attack Jews.

Jerusalem, October 28 – In what scientists are calling a miracle of statistics, none of the eyewitness reports cited by Amnesty International in its recent report on the recent Palestinian-Israeli violence are Jewish, despite the presence in each documented instance of numerous Jews.

The report, compiled by veteran Amnesty researcher Jacob Burns, details many recent episodes in which Palestinians have been shot for trying to stab or otherwise harm Israelis. In each case, the report includes eyewitness testimony from bystanders who dispute the official Israeli version of events, every single one of whom, by some miracle of random chance, happens not to be Jewish, despite many of the episodes occurring in the Jewish State, in areas where numerous Jews live or frequent.

Amnesty’s eyewitnesses also, by coincidence, uniformly question the other evidence regarding the episodes, notably the use of knives or other sharp implements to attack Jews. To a man, the Arab eyewitnesses insist the knives were planted afterwards by Israeli police or military personnel, and that, despite ample video evidence of the attacks, the footage has all been doctored to support Israeli allegations. The uniformity of the testimony is triply striking given the constant glorification of stabbing on official and unofficial Palestinian social media and television, as well as Imams in mosques exhorting their flocks to go out and attack Jews. Statisticians are calling the data “uncanny” and “amazing,” noting that they have not seen such consistent results from random samples since documenting the sartorial fashion choices of inmates at the Buchenwald concentration camp.

“I’m at a loss to explain it,” said Professor of Mathematics Cora Layshin of Rutgers University. “You’d think that with so many Jews also in the vicinity – soldiers, security guards, passers-by, whoever – that, statistically, at least a few of the eyewitnesses consulted by Amnesty to provide testimony about these events would, naturally, be Jewish, but that’s not what we have here. It’s a fascinating indication that sometimes, random chance does the oddest things.”

A similar phenomenon occurred with Mr. Burns’s other recent work involving civilian casualties from the 2014 Gaza conflict, a coincidence that likewise flummoxes statistics experts. The reports and witnesses consulted by Burns somehow missed every single instance of the presence of legitimate military targets where the report’s victims were when killed, an occurrence that statisticians put at a likelihood of one in seventy billion. “This fellow Burns should buy a lottery ticket, stat,” said statistician Nate Silver. I’ve been in this field a long time, and I’ve seen some pretty amazing coincidences, but this is positively incredible.”

At press time, Burns was seen to be immersed in his favorite pastime, painting bull’s eyes around arrows that had been shot into trees.