“Someone has to tell this so-called spiritual leader that he can’t just undo tradition with a wave of his hand.” Baltimore, November 23 – Female students at Johns Hopkins University staged a protest today at what they termed the permissive ...
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Feed SubscriptionKerry Assures 1930’s Jews There’s A Fatwa Against Genocide
Kerry declined to specify what religious authority issued such a fatwa. Washington, November 16 – Former Secretary of State John Kerry has continued his efforts to spread calm in a world troubled by the possibility of escalated sectarian conflict, reassuring Europe’s pre-WWII ...
Read More »Bakery Waits Week After Sukkot To Make Sufganiyot, Loses Kosher Status
“This delay is unacceptable,” stated Rabbi Amok Tiegen. Jerusalem, November 7 – A confectionery and baked goods establishment in the nation’s capital has been forced to forfeit certification that its products conform to Jewish dietary practice, after inspectors from the ...
Read More »Anti-Israel Bible Skeptics Suddenly Willing To Believe Account Of Canaanite ‘Genocide’
Acceptance of the bloodthirsty-conqueror-and-occupier descriptions applies in those academic and political circles only to the historical periods of Joshua and modern Zionism. Nablus, November 1 – Academics and public figures who under normal circumstances dismiss the early events in Jewish ...
Read More »To Distract From Batsheva-Uriah Affair, King David Declares Self Gay
“We’re seeing a media master at work,” remarked analyst Kevin Spacey. Jerusalem, October 30 – The David administration made a successful attempt to redirect recent talk of an emerging scandal regarding the king’s alleged affair with a married woman this ...
Read More »Architects Designing Haredi Housing With Designated Graffiti Walls
Industry insiders describe the features as the latest in a long line of adaptations for the Haredi real estate market. Bnei Brak, October 25 – Real Estate developers and architects targeting the Haredi market have identified a trend they hope ...
Read More »Twitter ‘Mentions’ Notifications Making God’s Blasphemy Detection Much Easier
The angel declined to divulge the number of blasphemy incidents detected since Twitter implemented notifications for mentions. San Francisco, October 18 – Heavenly enforcers raked with identifying and tracking blasphemy have had a much easier time since social media platforms ...
Read More »Order To Take Down Sukkah Within Two Weeks Appears Not To Trouble Local Jews
“Of course we’re disappointed,” declared a smirking Rabbi Phineas Birnbaum. Caldwell, NJ, October 10 – Municipal authorities ruled with the plaintiffs in a hearing this afternoon that a ritual structure built on public land for the Jewish festival of Tabernacles ...
Read More »Non-Biking Tel Aviv Man Worried He Missed Point Of Yom Kippur
“I just know I could have been part of something uplifting and amazing, and I just decided not to.” Tel Aviv, October 1 – A resident of Israel’s commercial and financial hub who declined the opportunity to move about the ...
Read More »Troubled Har Adar Terrorist ‘Martyr’ Consigned To Heavenly Psych Ward
“We’ve seen more and more of these patients recently,” observed Gabriel. Paradise, September 6 – The Palestinian attacker who shot and killed three Israelis and injured a fourth this morning at a community northwest of Jerusalem, and was fatally shot ...
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